Tag Archives: Emotion

A Recipe For Success: The Blissful Bite

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Scott Drotar Plate Of Food
I get a lot of enjoyment out of creating a delicious plate of food, and this happiness comes in many forms.

As you have learned over the last year or so, I love to cook. Chances are, if I am home and am not working, I am either preparing food, reading a cookbook or food blog, or watching the “Food Network” (or all three). I get so much happiness out of putting a recipe together and preparing a tasty, new meal, and this happiness comes in many forms. Of course, I get enjoyment out of feasting on all of the tasty food that I make, as I love to eat, but the pleasure I get from cooking goes far beyond that. The mental process of learning how to create and manipulate flavors fascinates me, and this mental “feasting” brings me a whole other type of bliss. I also get a sense of delight from creating a dish and bringing something to life in the kitchen. This act of turning a set of seemingly random ingredients into a delicious meal gives me yet another type of happiness. There is also one other source of joy that my culinary adventures bring me, and this type of happiness is greater than all of the others combined. This form of happiness is what makes me truly love cooking, and it is what will keep me experimenting in the kitchen and playing with flavors for the rest of my life.

Most of the time when I am cooking, I am only making food for myself (and possibly my nurse). While I have a blast doing this, and I get a lot of joy out of my time in the kitchen, cooking for myself is not nearly as fun as preparing a meal for my friends or family. Having others eat and relish in the flavors I put together is the best part of cooking, and it is what brings the most happiness into my life. There are few things I like more than watching someone gleefully savor each and every bite of a meal I created. Watching someone close their eyes as they blissfully take in the tastes and textures dancing on their tastebuds in total contentment (something I like to call “the blissful bite”) brings me more happiness than almost anything else in the world. You would not think that something so external to me, like who is enjoying my food, would play such a large role in determining my level of happiness, but surprisingly it does. Being the introspective person I am, I have spent a fair amount of time thinking about this phenomenon and examining these different types of happiness, and these hours of self-reflection have helped me to better understand what happiness is and how it functions in your life.

As much as I would like to take credit for being the first person to realize that the happiness in your life comes in many shapes and sizes, it turns out that this concept has been around for thousands of years. Aristotle is often cited as the first person to present this concept, and numerous other philosophers and theologians have also discussed this idea over the last several centuries. In Aristotle’s depiction of happiness, he identifies four

Scott Drotar The Blissful Bite
The best part of cooking is watching others enjoy my food, especially when they take “the blissful bite.”

“levels of happiness,” and as you move up through the levels (i.e. from “level 1” to “level 2”) the intensity, or magnitude, of your happiness increases. The first level is the type of enjoyment you get from material objects and such. In my cooking, this is the type of happiness I get from eating the food I make. The second “level of happiness” comes from the feelings of achievement and accomplishment you get from completing a task or project. For me, this is the joy I feel from creating a great meal and applying my knowledge of flavors. The third “level of happiness” is derived from doing things for others or bettering the world around you. When I cook, this is the amazing feeling of euphoria that I get from watching my friends and family enjoy my food (and take “the blissful bite”). The fourth, and final, type of happiness comes from feeling connected to the universe/a higher power, and it is seen as the ultimate “level of happiness” and is what we should all strive for throughout our lives (Unfortunately, I have not quite gotten to the point where my culinary skills are on a “God-like level” yet, so I do not have a cooking example for you, but I will keep working on it.).

Even though it may have been discovered thousands of years ago, as you can see from my examples above, this notion of happiness coming in multiple forms is just as applicable today as it was then. Not only has this concept stood the test of time, but it can also be applied to nearly every person’s life. Think about your feelings during the Holidays. You get less enjoyment out of receiving a gift (“level 1” happiness) than putting up and fully decorating a gorgeous Christmas tree (“level 2” happiness), and then you get even more happiness than that from giving someone else a gift they really wanted (“level 3” happiness). Depending on your personal beliefs, you could even make the case that you get an even greater level of elation from attending “Midnight Mass” or another seasonal, religious service, which would be the highest “level of happiness” there is. We have all experienced these types of feelings, and you cannot deny that the warm, fuzzy, full-bodied bliss you get from giving the perfect present is much more fulfilling than the enjoyment you get from receiving a gift. As the old saying goes, “It is better to give than to receive.” And thanks to Aristotle, now we know why.

Scott Drotar Levels Of Happiness
The different feelings of joy you experience doing various Christmastime activities are a perfect example of the different “levels of happiness.”

If two, drastically different events, like my feelings during cooking and the joys of Christmastime activities, can be explained by this concept, that is good enough to make me a believer. I am certain that as you think about the things that you enjoy doing, that you will find that these “levels of happiness” are present in your life as well. The activities that bring you the most fulfilling feelings of happiness are the the ones where you get to do something for someone else. Whether it is watching them take “the blissful bite,” seeing them open the perfect, Christmas gift, or some other altruistic activity, the things that bring the most joy to your life are those that allow you to bring happiness to others. As you recognize this mind-blowing fact, you realize that helping others is not only the “right” thing to do because it makes their life better, but also because it creates the greatest type of happiness in yours. Once you fully understand and accept this important lesson, not only will you feel a larger sense of enjoyment in your life, but the world as a whole will be a much happier place.

Did this article leave you wondering something? Are you curious about a certain aspect of my life? Do you want to know my favorite color? Submit your question to “Roll Models Mail Call,” and I will do my best to answer it in a post.

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Loved and Lost

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Last week I met with a physical therapist and a wheelchair technician to start the process of upgrading/replacing my power wheelchair. Improving and/or purchasing power wheelchairs is a long, involved process, and this session was only the first of several meetings I will have to have to get everything ready, but it is a start at least. Since I will end up spending roughly 10 hours a day for the next five years in this wheelchair, it is important and worthwhile to take the time to make sure that every little detail is correct. While I am not a big fan of change, especially with something as crucial to my life as my wheelchair, after having this initial meeting and getting the process of purchasing a new chair started, I found myself filled with a sense of joyful anticipation. Even though I know that it will be at least four months before I see my new wheelchair, the thought of regaining my ability to drive my chair on my own and getting my mobility back is something that I am really looking forward to. This feeling of excitement that came over me caused me to think about how much my freedom to move about means to me, as well as how it brings happiness to my life.

Scott Drotar New Wheelchair
The process of getting a new wheelchair is a long one.

When I was about 5 years old, I got my first power wheelchair, and with it my first taste of the freedom of mobility. For the first time I could move about on my own, whenever and wherever I wanted. I was no longer reliant on others to get where I wanted to go. Having this independence allowed me to explore the world around me and experience life much like any able-bodied person would. I was fortunate enough to have this freedom throughout my life growing up, and this mobility helped me find success and brought a lot of happiness to my life. A couple of years ago though, when my shoulder started to breakdown and my chronic pain increased, I started having some difficulty operating my wheelchair. As my body slowly deteriorated over the next several months, my ability to drive my chair on my own got worse and worse. For a while I was able to drive my wheelchair with assistance from my nurses, but it eventually got to the point a year ago where I could not operate it at all. Going through this process of losing my ability to move around on my own, after having this freedom my entire life, has been an extremely difficult thing for me to deal with.

Losing my ability to drive my wheelchair was far more difficult to cope with than not being able to walk. This may surprise you, but I have never really missed not having the ability to walk. Of course I wish that I had a healthy body and could walk, jump, and do cartwheels like most people, but since I never knew what it is like to walk, I do not know what I am missing. I used to think that I was lucky in this respect, as I thought it was much harder to have something and then have it taken away from you, than to never have it at all. This is why losing my ability to drive my wheelchair has been so difficult for me to cope with, but I feel fine about never having the ability to walk. I spent my entire life only knowing what it is like to be able to move about freely and without assistance, and in an instant this mobility was taken away from me. As someone who has worked extremely hard to build an independent life, losing something as critical to my autonomy as my mobility is like amputating one of my limbs. Due to numerous experiences like this, where my disability took away an important part of my world, I decided long ago that never having the ability to walk was actually a good thing (as opposed to walking for a while and then losing that ability). While it may have made the obstacles and adversity resulting from my disability easier to deal with though, I now see that it also took away all of the amazing things that I would have been able to experience from having a fully functioning body, as well as the happiness it would have brought to my life.

Scott Drotar Loved and Lost
I got my first power wheelchair at a fairly young age, and it gave me freedom for the first time.

Thinking about getting my mobility back, and the emotions that I felt, has made me rethink how I feel about never having the ability to walk. Even though I have never really missed not being able to walk, being confined to a wheelchair has been difficult to deal with at times. Throughout my life, there have been times when I was unable to do something due to my disability and felt like I was missing out on a great experience. Since these types of situations only occur occasionally and vary so much though, you never realize that they all stem from the same cause. It is difficult to see how this one thing has taken away all of these experiences from your life. Just because it is difficult however, does not mean it is impossible. This process of getting my mobility back has illustrated that, if you take the time to look at your life and think about how different it would be if you could not do something, like walk, see, or speak for example, you can more fully appreciate it. This self-reflection also allows you to see the common cause that has kept you from experiencing certain things over the years, which can then help you to change this part of your life and gain the ability to enjoy these moments you missed out on. This will eliminate the negative moments and feelings from your past and add positive experiences to your future, which will bring a whole, new level of happiness to your life.

As the famous quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson goes, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” This idea does not only pertain to love however, as it can also be applied to nearly every aspect of your life. Although I had a much harder time coping with losing my ability to drive my wheelchair than never being able to walk, I would not trade the numerous years I lived being able to operate my chair for anything, even not having to go through the painful process of losing this ability. Having gone through losing this ability once and knowing how painful it is, I am still working to regain my mobility, knowing that in the future it will again be taken away from me. I am willing to put myself through this, because giving it up would mean also trading all of the incredible experiences I will have because of my mobility. The next time you feel a sense of loss and start wishing you had never even begun to enjoy something, think about all of the wonderful experiences you had as a result of it. Ask yourself if you would give up all of that happiness and wisdom to not have to go through the loss you are currently feeling. This will help you put things in perspective and focus on the positive side of things. By doing this and looking at your world through the right lens, you will bring a lot of happiness and fulfilling experiences to your life.

Did this article leave you wondering something? Are you curious about a certain aspect of my life? Do you want to know my favorite color? Submit your question to “Roll Models Mail Call,” and I will do my best to answer it in a post.

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Discrimination

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As you have probably heard on the national news circuit recently, my home state of Indiana has been quite the topic of conversation lately. For those of you who do not know, on March 26th Indiana passed a piece of legislation called Senate Bill 101 (SB 101), better known as the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” This bill states that “a governmental entity may not substantially burden a person’s exercise of religion…” This may not sound so bad, but what this document opens the door for is pretty scary.  It implies that if a business owner does not want to provide his company’s services for a certain group of people because of his religious beliefs, that he does not have to. Believe it or not, a business in my tiny hometown of Walkerton, Indiana, which has a population of only 2,500 people, became the first organization to illustrate the dangers of this legislation. “Memories Pizza,” a small pizza place and one of very few restaurants in my little town, was the first business to openly state that they would deny their catering services to same-sex couples. Whether you agree with same-sex relationships or not, we all can agree that discrimination is bad, and that by allowing companies to deny service to any group of people they choose, we are opening the door for discrimination to occur. As I have been trying to stay up to date on this hot button issue that has been plaguing my hometown, I have been thinking a lot about prejudice and discrimination, and how these despicable parts of human behavior can impact your life.

Scott Drotar Memories Pizza
Memories Pizza, a restaurant in my hometown of Walkerton, Indiana, was the first business to show the dangers of the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.”

Having been born with a severe, physical disability and having to use a power wheelchair my entire life, I have had to face a fair amount of discrimination. Whether it is a group of teenagers deliberately making fun of my disability at the mall or a business inadvertently not being wheelchair accessible, being singled out and treated differently as a result of something I have absolutely no control over is never easy to deal with. Even though throughout my life I have developed a lot of coping skills to help me manage the negative emotions that arise when these prejudicial situations occur, these feelings of discrimination still have an impact on me. It is not the judgment and discrimination from others that I struggle with however, but rather the feelings of self-discrimination that they create. For example, there are times when I will not go out to do something, because I am worried that I may be viewed or treated differently due to my disability. This self-discrimination is far more dangerous than the judgment of others, because it prevents you from even attempting to experience numerous parts of life. In reality, you could have enjoyed many of these situations without any feelings of discrimination arising, but because of your own fear of these potentially painful emotions, you prevent this from ever happening. As I have matured and learned how to better work through these difficult emotions, I have realized that this self-discrimination is actually what makes acts of prejudice so dangerous, as this is what gives these heinous acts their power.

When I was in my first year of college at Notre Dame, I had to write a term paper on civil rights for my required freshman composition class. As a part of this project, I also had to conduct an interview with someone and include the information I gathered in my paper. To satisfy this criterion I decided to interview a quite well respected professor in the African-American studies department, who I had had for another course the previous semester. During this interview he told me a story from his own life that greatly changed the way that I think about discrimination. Back in the 1970s, when he was 18 years old and was about to graduate from high school, he and his best friend, both of whom were black, decided to enjoy their final Summer of youthful freedom and independence by making a Jack Kerouac-like journey across the country. They spent countless hours planning their way, gathering the supplies they would need, and making all of the other necessary preparations to make their way from the “Deep South” to the California coast, and as the school year was drawing to a close they were merely waiting for graduation so that they could embark on this epic, once in a lifetime journey. Unfortunately though, they never made it to California. In fact, they never even made it out of their hometown. Despite the fact that they had spent a lot of their hard earned money preparing for this trip, devoted an enormous amount of time planning their route, and had been looking forward to their “On The Road” adventure for months, they never even left. They were so concerned, being two African-American, young men, about being discriminated against on their trip that they cancelled the whole thing before even starting.

Even though this was the late-1970s, and a lot of progress had been made in terms of racial equality and civil rights, the powerful effects of discrimination were still a major issue. There were still some people and places where outright discrimination would occur (and sadly, I fear there always will be), and the acts of prejudice and ignorance from these few individuals could be quite upsetting, painful, and at times even dangerous. While these prejudiced people were only a small minority of the general public, and the chances of coming into contact with them was extremely low, the power that these individuals had over their victims was quite large. Despite the fact that these two well-spoken, young men probably would have had no problems with discrimination during their cross-country trip, the anxiety and fear of this happening prevented them from even attempting to live out a dream that they had worked so hard to turn into a reality. This self-imposed discrimination is far more powerful than any form of prejudice that someone else could inject into your life, because it takes complete control over your actions. Whether these feelings of self-discrimination are justified or not, they were powerful enough to stop two young men from seeing the country, as well as keep me from experiencing certain parts of life, and this is what makes them so dangerous. The danger lies in the fact that self-discrimination does not need to have anything “real” attached to it in order to control you. Even though most of the potentially prejudicial situations that you avoid would have been discrimination free, you still do not get to enjoy them because your own self-discrimination and fear prevents it. It is this type of discrimination that you have to learn to control, if you want to stop the prejudices of society from having a major impact on your life.

Scott Drotar Civil Rights
While the “Civil Rights Movement” ended decades ago, even today discrimination is still a major issue in our society.

Just as developing the psychological tools necessary to cope with the prejudices of others is a long and emotionally painful process, learning how to deal with your feelings of self-discrimination is also an extremely difficult task. The first step is being able to recognize these feelings when they arise for what they are. You have to be able to see that your fears are stemming from your own feelings of self-discrimination, and not from something out in the world. The next step is the hard part. You have to be able to realize that your fear and anxiety is coming from possible, yet not necessarily probable, outcomes, and then convince yourself that you have no real reason to believe that you will be discriminated against beyond your own nightmarish thoughts. While this is a very difficult thing to do, if you can make yourself truly believe that your worries about being discriminated against are merely the worst possible outcomes and there is no reason to think they will happen, your feelings of insecurity and anxiety will instantly lose all of their power. Since self-discrimination has nothing “real” attached to it, once you convince yourself that your fears are just highly unlikely possibilities rampaging around your head, this once awful sense of dread ceases to have any meaning. You will immediately be free of your self-discrimination, and you will be overcome by a revitalizing sense of freedom that is beyond words. Now, this is not an easy thing to accomplish, but nothing worth doing ever is, and by learning to deal with your feelings of self-discrimination you open yourself up to a whole, new world of opportunities and experiences to enjoy.

Thanks to the enormous amount of vocal opposition to this unfortunate piece of legislation from all over the country, it seems like this most recent act of outright discrimination in my home state will be eliminated soon. Even though it looks like my hometown and the state of Indiana will survive these sad, despicable acts of public prejudice that have been wreaking havoc recently, the effects of this discrimination will be felt by those mistreated for years to come. Having to face these actual acts of discrimination, only makes your feelings of self-discrimination stronger and more difficult to cope with. In order to effectively manage and get beyond these emotions, you have to recognize that these fears, although extremely terrifying, are only figments of your imagination. They are only as powerful as you allow them to be. Remember that only a very small percentage of the people and places you come into contact with are prejudiced, and the vast majority of the situations you experience are wonderful and discrimination free. Take the time to slow down your thinking, regain control of your brain from your emotions, and see your feelings of self-discrimination for the illusions they are. This will allow you to eliminate these nasty notions from your life, and without these self-imposed obstacles in your way, you will be able to fully enjoy the happy, fulfilling life that you deserve.

Did this article leave you wondering something? Are you curious about a certain aspect of my life? Do you want to know my favorite color? Submit your question to “Roll Models Mail Call,” and I will do my best to answer it in a post.

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Validation (Part 2)

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In the first part of this article we discussed my parents visit, and how great it felt to get some recognition and approval on my life from my family. Watching my folks and uncle enjoy and comment on the wonderful meal that I had worked hard to prepare for them gave me a wonderful sense of validation that had an enormous impact on me. Even though I already knew that my parents were proud of me and was not looking for their praise, this powerful feeling of accomplishment was a pleasant surprise that nearly overwhelmed me with its warm, comforting glow of euphoria. I would have been more than happy if that was the end of this energizing, emotional experience, but life was being very generous to me, and it turns out that my feelings of bliss were only beginning to fill my life with happiness. Because while my parent’s visiting gave me validation in my personal life, after they left and I got back to work, I was given another great sense of achievement in my professional life.

Scott Drotar Business Logo
We all want to feel like we made good career choices and are good at what we do.

I am fortunate enough to have the greatest job in the world and get to pay my bills doing something that I love, but up until about a year ago, I had spent my entire, adult life learning to be a statistical analyst. Even though I would never stop speaking through Roll Models and have found my calling in life, I do sometimes feel like I am wasting my knowledge and experience with statistics by not putting my numerical skills to use somehow (especially when those student loan bills come in). This is why I still do a minimal amount of advertising myself as a freelance statistical consultant to try to share my array of mathematical knowledge with the world. With the economy being the way it is though, there are not a lot of companies out there looking to spend money on statistical consulting, so I have not gotten many opportunities to use my skills. At least until recently that is, as last week I received inquiries about statistical help from two different organizations. Even though neither of these requests resulted in a consulting contract, by meeting with these companies to discuss their projects I received something much more valuable than any partnership would have paid me.

As I was reading about these companies’ projects, going over their data, and speaking with them about their statistical needs, I felt a great sense of accomplishment wash over me. Even though I had not done hardly any statistical work in over a year, it felt really good knowing that I could still easily and effectively understand their questions and knew how to respond to them. It was so reassuring to know that all of the time and energy I had put into my eight years of college education was not a complete waste, and that I still had at least most of the knowledge that I had worked so hard to attain. Having these initial meetings with both of these companies gave me a sense of validation about my career choices, as I was able to utilize my academic training while still developing Roll Models and pursuing my mission to help others with my story. This gave me a feeling of validation that has given me a renewed sense of drive and focus in my work. One of those feelings that makes you feel confident and knowledgeable and gives you this intensity towards your work, while at the same time relaxing you, slowing your thought process, and helping you concentrate on the most minute details. You are in “the zone,” or a flow state, and this makes you both more efficient and productive, as well as filling you with a wonderful, “on top of the world” feeling.

In addition to getting this sense of approval with respect to my career choices, I got yet another powerful dose of validation in my professional life through Roll Models. Last week, I received an email about a possible speaking engagement from the National Parkinson Foundation. They are working with the Saint Luke’s Marion Bloch Neuroscience Institute and Johnson County Community College to hold a symposium called “Caring for the Long-Term Caregiver” on April 25th. Someone on the board of directors for their organization had heard me speak last Spring, thought that I would be a good fit as a speaker for their event, and gave them my contact information. After exchanging a few emails and speaking with them about the symposium and Roll Models, I am happy to announce that we were able to work everything out, and I will be the closing speaker for their event. This will be a great opportunity for me to help others, a terrific chance for me to network and market Roll Models, and a huge honor to wrap up their symposium that I am really excited to experience. On top of all of these benefits to my career though, getting this speaking engagement also gave me another valuable gift that has improved my life.

Scott Drotar National Parkinson Foundation
I am going to be the closing speaker for a symposium sponsored by the National Parkinson Foundation.

Having no prior experience as a professional speaker or writer until I started Roll Models, I have a difficult time feeling confident about my articles and talks that I write. I went to school for mathematics and statistics, and throughout my eight year academic career I did my best to avoid any classes that involved a lot of writing, so I have not had any official training to prepare me for this line of work. Now, I have worked extremely hard, read dozens of books on writing and speaking, and spent countless hours studying many great speakers on my own to develop my craft, but while I have definitely come a long way, I still do not feel comfortable calling myself a writer or professional speaker. I sometimes feel like I am just fooling people into thinking I am this gifted writer, and it is only a matter of time until everyone realizes that my talks are boring and my posts are terrible. That is why getting this request to speak for the symposium was so special to me. Knowing that I had made a big enough impression on someone with my words that they still remembered me over a year later gave me a sense of reassurance about my abilities as a storyteller. And not only had they remembered me, but they also thought highly enough of my message and performance that they recommended my services to someone else. This incredible honor has helped me to realize that I do know what I am doing and have at least a moderate amount of skill as a writer, which has filled me with a sense of validation, a renewed confidence about my craft, and a lot of happiness.

Getting the opportunity to put my statistical knowledge to good use and being bestowed the honor of being the final speaker for the symposium, each gave me an immense feeling of validation about my professional life. These separate, unexpected events all improved my life by providing me with reassurance that my career choices were good ones, and that I belong in this field. No matter how long or how well you do something, you always want to feel like others think that you are good at what you do. We all want to get the sense that our clients and others in our field are impressed by our work, to reassure us that we were wise in choosing the career we have. While this does not in any way change your abilities or skill in your work objectively, it does improve your confidence, which in turn positively impacts your job, as well as your life in general. It is important to be open to and aware of these moments of validation that emerge out of the blue every now and then, in order to take advantage of their power. Be open to compliments and graciously receive them, no matter where they come from or what form they are in. The enormous amount of confidence and reassurance that they will bring you will penetrate and improve nearly every part of your world. With your renewed sense of validation and accomplishment, you will not only feel better about your life choices and do better work, but you will also experience a new level of happiness that will greatly improve your life.

Did this article leave you wondering something? Are you curious about a certain aspect of my life? Do you want to know my favorite color? Submit your question to “Roll Models Mail Call,” and I will do my best to answer it in a post.

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Soak It All In

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Yesterday was one of those perfect, Spring days here in Kansas City. It was about 70° F with a nice, cool breeze that was just strong enough to tickle your face and run through your hair. The sun was playing peekaboo amongst wispy, fluffy clouds, helping you fully appreciate its warmth and brilliance every time it emerged from its hiding place. The plants and trees were all just starting to bud and bloom, creating a cornucopia of different shades of vibrant colors. After spending the last three months in hibernation mode to avoid the cold weather of Winter, waking up to a day like today, where everything is just perfect, was really comforting. I was so elated by this beautiful weather that I actually rearranged my entire day, just so that I could fully appreciate this gift from Mother Nature. Although I did not get everything done that I had planned to, by taking the time to enjoy this gorgeous day I was able to do something just as productive, while also being reminded of an important lesson about life.

Scott Drotar Soak It All In
Yesterday was a beautiful Spring day in Kansas City.

On my calendar, if you look at yesterday you would find things, like “get yearly physical,” “contact clients,” and “website maintenance,” listed on my to-do list. As I went through this list shortly after waking up and seeing what a beautiful day it was, I noticed that everything that I was supposed to accomplish was going to force me to be inside. While I typically view my carefully crafted to-do list as sacred and refuse to deviate from it for any reason, today I decided to make an exception. I rescheduled my physical for another day, pushed website maintenance to later in the week, and made a few other alterations to my daily itinerary, so that I could take advantage of this gorgeous weather. After finishing breakfast and taking care of a few small things on my daily agenda so that I would feel productive (I cannot waste the whole day. Or can I…?), I went outside and enjoyed the weather. I let the sun beam down onto my skin, covering me like a warm blanket. I felt the wind tickling my nose as it whipped through my mustache. I squinted my eyes as I looked across the field by my apartment, so that everything would blur into a big sea of greens and yellows that I could get lost in. I accepted this beautiful gift that I had been given and let its brilliance bring happiness to my life in a way that very few things can.

The way that this incredible weather impacted me and caused me to completely rearrange my entire week reminded me of how important it is to be thankful for the gifts that life gives you. It is crucial to be open to the little things in life, as I have said before, but you must also be humble enough to really appreciate them. You cannot merely acknowledge the fact that it is a beautiful day, go about your business as usual, and still expect to get any amount of happiness or enjoyment from it. You have to take the time to stop for a minute and soak in the full magnificence of this priceless offering that life has presented you. Just like I stopped, closed my eyes, and let my body soak in the warm, energizing beams of sunshine, you have to let yourself soak it all in any time life hands you one of its treasures. You may not get everything done on your daily to-do list and you may have to work a little more later on, but the benefits and happiness you receive by allowing yourself to fully appreciate life’s offerings will definitely be worth it.

When I woke up this morning I had no intentions of writing this post today. I had another article outlined and prepared to be written, but this total turnaround in my plans only better illustrates the benefits of this important life lesson. By taking the time to fully appreciate the gorgeous weather, not only did I get to enjoy a beautiful day and put a lot of happiness into my life, but I also was able to recognize this valuable lesson and share it with you, spreading even more joy and cheer to the world. Whether it is a delightful Spring day or some other gem life gives you, you have to take the time to stop what you are doing and really appreciate it. Soak it all in, and let this priceless treasure fill your body, heart, and soul with all of its magnificence. This will allow you to experience all of the happiness that these gifts can bring to your life. You may not get everything on your to-do list done, but that list will still be there tomorrow, and life’s offerings do not come often or stay very long. Soak it all in like rays of sunshine on a warm day, so you can fill your life with all of the happiness that life can give you.

Did this article leave you wondering something? Are you curious about a certain aspect of my life? Do you want to know my favorite color? Submit your question to “Roll Models Mail Call,” and I will do my best to answer it in a post.

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Validation (Part 1)

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It feels like forever since my last blog post, and I am really excited to be getting back to my normal routine and sharing my thoughts and experiences with you. I have had a fun-filled few days, and a lot has been going on in my life. The same can be said for Roll Models and www.scottdrotar.com, as there has been quite a bit of action on that front as well. With so much happening during my little hiatus from blogging, I thought that I would use the next couple of posts to fill you in on what has transpired since my last article. You need to get up to speed on my parents’ visit, seeing my uncle, and my exciting Roll Models news, so that you can continue to accompany me on my journey through life. I hope that you will enjoy reading about my recent adventures as much as I enjoyed having them, although I am not sure that is possible. At the very least you will be entertained by my most recent escapades, and you may even get some life lessons along the way.

Scott Drotar Validation
I had a great time visiting with my parents last week.

The main reason I took so much time off was so that I could enjoy my time with my parents, who came to visit me last week. Since it was my dad’s Spring Break, they were able to spend more time catching up with me and not have to hurry back so he could get to work, which helped create a more relaxed atmosphere the entire time they were here. This made for a great visit, and we had a wonderful time discussing everything going on in each other’s lives. Making this time even more momentous was the fact that my uncle, who happened to be in town on business, was also able to come spend time with us. Since I had not seen him in over four years, it was really fulfilling to get to show him the successful, happy life that I have created out here on my own. Living over 500 miles from any of my relatives, I typically only get to share my world with them through pictures and emails, so it is quite special for me when I get to show them my success first hand. In addition to sharing my world with him, I also got to hear about how he has been doing, his work, and my cousins. The four of us had a terrific time talking about our lives, and I am so happy we were able to all be here together.

Scott Drotar Uncle Fred
It was really special to get to visit with my uncle after not seeing him for so long.

The climax of our visit was, hands down, the multiple course meal that I prepared for them. As you are well aware, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen now, and I frequently chronicle my culinary adventures on Facebook. My mom, who has been reading about all of my delicious dishes and seeing pictures of my mouthwatering creations since Christmas, told me that I had better prepare a feast for them when they visit, now that I am such a good cook. Since I am a dutiful son that would never disobey my dear mother (even I could not help but laugh at that one), I did as I was told and planned a three course, gourmet meal. Anyone who has ever thrown a dinner party knows that planning a three course meal is much more difficult than merely preparing an appetizer, entree, and dessert. You have to come up with three dishes that are not only flavorful and delicious on their own, but also work well as a group. For example, you would never serve a hearty, spicy Indian chutney with big flavors as an appetizer for baked white fish in a light white wine sauce, because your palette would not be able to enjoy the subtle, complex flavors of the fish after such a bold start. You want your courses to work together to tell a story to create a more enjoyable dining experience. While I did not fully understand how difficult this can be until recently, I now have a whole new appreciation for people who prepare entire menus for people on a weekly basis.

Despite my inexperience and lack of appreciation for how hard it would be, I did manage to put together a delicious, three course meal for my family. It took me several weeks of strategizing and preparation, but eventually I was able to find three complimentary dishes that I thought my parents and uncle would like. After browsing through hundreds of recipes, testing dozens of different of flavor combinations, and changing my mind constantly about what would be best, this is the menu I settled on. We began our gastronomic journey with an appetizer of seared sausage medallions topped with a Venezuelan salsa criolla over a bed of rice. For the entree, I served a pear and goat cheese stuffed pork tenderloin with a soy-citrus marinade and a side of garlic-lemon new potatoes. This delightful dining experience ended with spiced wine poached pears topped with caramel sauce for dessert. Everything turned out better than I had hoped, and it must have been good because it was nearly all gone by the time the meal was over. It felt really good watching them enjoy the meal I had worked so hard to create, and I am so happy that I was able to share my new passion for cooking with the people I care about most.

Scott Drotar Pork Tenderloin
My entree of pear and goat cheese stuffed pork tenderloin with a homemade marinade.

Both getting the opportunity to share my independent, successful life with my uncle and watching my family get so much enjoyment from the meal I prepared gave me a feeling of validation. Even though I know my family and relatives are extremely proud of me, it still feels good to get to show them first-hand everything I have been able to accomplish. Although your own happiness is all that truly matters, it still feels good when you can show your loved ones all of your success. Getting some positive feedback and appreciation of your achievements in life reminds you of why you put in so much time and energy to build the world around you, and it is part of what drives you to continue to work hard to reach your goals. Knowing that your family and friends recognize how much effort you put in to achieve everything in your life, and hearing that they are proud of you, can be an extremely powerful feeling that will fuel you on your journey for future success. This is exactly the feeling I got during this visit, and I am definitely fully recharged and ready to get back to work enjoying my happy, fun-filled life and giving my all chasing my dreams.

This feeling of validation was not something I was looking for, or even thought I needed, but that did not in any way reduce how much of an impact it had on me. Visiting with my uncle and watching my folks slowly savor each bite of the meal I prepared filled me with a feeling of accomplishment that has given me a renewed focus and drive to achieve my goals. I never would have guessed that their approval and appreciation of my efforts would have such a great influence on me, but you do not always know what you need in life. No matter how much success you have or what you accomplish, we all want to feel like our loved ones are proud of us. By sharing your achievements and passion for things with your family and friends, you will often get to enjoy this feeling of validation, whether you are looking for it or not. Take the time to share your life with those who are most important to you, and help them experience some of the things you are passionate about. This will fuel you as you continue to work to accomplish your goals, and it will also help you forge even stronger relationships with your loved ones.

My feelings of validation were just starting to build after these two events though, as after my family returned home I got another dose of this powerful sensation. This second round of recognition and approval came not from my personal life, but from my professional world. Thanks to some unexpected consulting requests and Roll Models, my feelings of validation were able to grow even further. You will get to hear all about these events and how they effected me in the next part of this article.

Did this article leave you wondering something? Are you curious about a certain aspect of my life? Do you want to know my favorite color? Submit your question to “Roll Models Mail Call,” and I will do my best to answer it in a post.

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Roadtrippin’ Through My Mind

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Throughout my entire life, since flying is extremely difficult for people who require the use of a power wheelchair, if I wanted to take a trip or go vacation somewhere, I had to drive. Thankfully, my family has always been able to afford a wheelchair accessible vehicle that allowed us to travel like any other family of five despite my mobility limitations. To take full advantage of this mobility and freedom, during my childhood my siblings, parents, and I went on numerous family road trips all over the United States, and I have continued this custom now that I am an adult living on my own. Having a conversion van that gave me the ability to travel about the country, not only created the opportunity for me to see some amazing things, but it also helped me make some priceless memories with my family on the open road. In appreciation of this privilege I have had to see the world as a physically disabled person, I have decided to share with you five of my most memorable road trip moments, the number of miles driven on these excursions, and what these miles have meant to me.

Dallas — This was my first road trip without my parents. When I was 23 and in my first year of graduate school at the University of Kansas, my brother, sister, and I decided to take a “siblings vacation.” After deliberating for several weeks over where we should go, we decided on Dallas. My brother, who lived with me at the time, and I drove down while my sister flew in from New York, and we stayed right in the middle of downtown “Big D.” We ate great Tex-Mex and Texas style barbecue, went to the aquarium (manatees!), and visited the JFK Museum. It was a wonderful, fun experience with my siblings, but the most vivid memory from this excursion is making the drive home in a blizzard with my brother, and laughing nervously with him as we just hoped to get home. (Roundtrip: 1,038 Miles)

Scott Drotar Niagara Falls
That is a lot of water.

Niagara Falls — This was the first stop on our family vacation when I was 12 (Toronto was the second stop), and it was the first time that I was in awe of something in nature. The only way to truly appreciate the incredible beauty and raw power of “Mother Nature” is to see something like Niagara Falls in person. That is a ton of water coming over that cliff. What made this trip so special for me was that it was extremely wheelchair friendly, especially for a national park. I could get everywhere and see everything without any trouble, and even the famous “Maiden of the Mist” boat tour was totally handicap accessible (although I did need my rain gear). (Roundtrip: 1,032 Miles)

Galveston — This was my first solo vacation, which I made when I was 25. One of the things on my “Bucket List” was to take a trip on my own with just my nurse. After several months of research and planning, I came to realize that a cruise was the best way for me to go about this. It was a controlled environment with its own medical team (just in case), did not require any travel once you got on the boat (simplifying the logistics), and would give me the vacation experience I was looking for. So, I saved some money, talked one of my nurses into a free vacation (not exactly difficult), and we road tripped down to the port of Galveston to go on a week long Caribbean cruise. It was an amazing seven days, and I got to see and do some incredible things, but the most memorable moment was on the drive home when the fuel pump in my van went out in the middle of nowhere. We ended up being stuck in a small hotel room in Texas for two days, but my wheelchair accessible wagon held up after being fixed, and got us safely back to Kansas with a great story to tell. (Roundtrip: 1,614 Miles)

Disneyworld — This is the earliest family vacation that I can really remember. I was about 6 years old, and my family drove the entire 19 hours from Northern Indiana to Florida. I can still remember getting to meet Mickey Mouse for the first time and getting his autograph. As great as the theme park was though, my favorite memory from this trip is waking up as my dad was driving in the middle of the night and staying up with him while the rest of my family slept. That alone time with my dad on the open road was a big deal as a young boy, and remembering that time always makes me smile. (Roundtrip: 2,228 Miles)

Cincinnati — The Summer before I turned 14, my brother and sister both got to attend week long, sleep away camps, which is something that I could not do due to my disability. My parents decided that since my siblings each got a little vacation somewhere, that I should too, so they took me on a trip with just the two of them to Cincinnati for a few days. We window shopped, saw Ken Griffey Jr. play at Cinergy Field, and I got my parents all to myself. As much as I love my brother and sister and the trips we have taken as a family, this road trip will always be special since it was just my parents and me. (Roundtrip: 478 Miles)

Scott Drotar Ocean
Here I am experiencing the beauty of the ocean for the first time.

Every one of these road trips is special in its own way, and they all impacted my life and who I am today. We do not often think about how much our ability to travel impacts our life, but your experiences with the world around you plays a large part in shaping who you are. If not for the freedom to get out into the world (like my conversion van gave me), chances are you would be a very different person. Think about all of the cherished memories you have from your own family vacations and road trips. The moments fighting with siblings in the cramped back seat, and the first time you saw the ocean, breathed in that crisp, sea air, and just gazed out at that endless blue water. These memories are not only sentimental and emotionally special, but they also helped you grow and develop into the incredible person you are. All of the miles you travelled and places you saw had an influence on your life. They helped you bond with your family, learn about the world around you, and taught you many valuable life lessons that you have carried with you ever since. Be sure to acknowledge the effects these moments with your loved ones on the open road made, and also try to continue these fun-filled adventures with your own family. Most of all, remember that your mobility and ability to travel freely is a great privilege, and that there are people who do not have the opportunity to explore the amazing world we live in. Do not take this freedom for granted, and appreciate all of the incredible gifts these trips have given you.

Total Miles Driven: 6,390

Flat Tires Fixed: 3

Gallons of Gas Used: 391

Impact on My Life: Priceless

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My Other Family

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Scott Drotar Hurricane Katrina
Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana on August 29th, 2005, and in doing so changed my life forever.

I will always remember August 2005 as the time when I moved away from home, started my collegiate career, and began living as an adult on my own. While these were all monumental moments that were major milestones in my life, there was another event that occurred at this time that was much more important and influential. The impact of this occurrence was felt for years by millions of people all over the country, and its effects are still being felt in some areas, but it also had an unexpectedly large effect on my life as well. This awful moment that took place the last few days of August was Hurricane Katrina. This terrible event killed hundreds of people, ruined the lives of thousands more, and damaged the entire nation, but even with all of this carnage and mayhem, thanks to the strength and resiliency of the human spirit some good did come out of this horrible destruction. I will never forget that night Katrina hit, sitting in the chapel with my new dorm brothers, hoping that everyone’s family and friends were alright. As I sat there with my dorm brothers from the New Orleans area, as they were watching and waiting helplessly to hear from their loved ones, I learned an important lesson about life. This tense, stressful time filled with prayer and brotherhood showed me the power of community.

I was only 18 years old when I moved away from home and began living in the dorms at Notre Dame. Like every teenager on the cusp of adulthood, I thought I had everything in life figured out, and I was certain that my transition from living in a tiny, Midwestern town to being on a college campus with a graduating class larger than the population of where I grew up, would be a piece of cake. Also like most young adults, I could not have been more wrong. Almost as soon as I got to campus and began freshman orientation, I was in culture shock. I had spent my entire life in a one stoplight town of barely 2,000 people, nearly all of whom were white, Middle-class families, and now I was in an environment with over 10,000 students from all over the world and from every background you can imagine. I will admit, I was a little overwhelmed and taken aback by this huge shift in my surroundings. I do not want to give the impression that I was not enjoying my new life away from home or that I was not making friends, but for my first couple weeks on campus, even though I was trying to be very active socially, I never felt like I was really connected to my dorm brothers and other fellow “Domers.” This all changed though on the night of August 29th, when one of the worst hurricanes in our nation’s history struck New Orleans.

While I had been aware that a large hurricane had been heading for the United State’s gulf coast area, I really had not been paying too much attention to the specifics of this storm. Since I had no family or friends in that region, to me it was just another hurricane that the weather forecasters were trying to dramatize for higher ratings (“storm of the century” and “snowpocalypse” come to mind). The evening Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana, I was going to check my mailbox that was down by the dorm’s chapel, and I noticed that there was a pretty big group of guys in the pews. This seemed a little strange to me, since there was no priest in the room and was not time for mass yet anyway, so I decided to see what was happening. As soon as I entered, before I even spoke to anyone, I could feel from the atmosphere of the room that something terrible had happened. I sat in the back next to an upper classman I had gotten to know during orientation, and once I was certain he was done praying, I quietly asked him what was going on. He explained to me how bad Katrina was, that currently there was little to no communication with people in that area, and that they were all praying for their loved ones and hoping they were safe. Looking at all of the red eyes, tears, and silently moving lips of prayer that surrounded me, I immediately felt bad for my new “siblings,” and the terrifying unknown they were currently in. Even though I am not Catholic, or even what you would call “religious,” I stayed there with my new brothers of Keough Hall and silently supported them with my presence. When one of them stood up and said that some of them were going to light candles at the Grotto, I decided to go along to offer any solace I could.

Scott Drotar Grotto
The Grotto on the University of Notre Dame campus, made famous by the movie, “Rudy,” is a very sacred place.

For those of you who are not familiar with the University of Notre Dame campus, have not seen the movie “Rudy,” and are not Catholic, I will give you some background. First, the “Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes,” or just the Grotto, is a miniature replica of the French shrine where the Virgin Mary appeared to Saint Bernadette multiple times in the mid-19th century. Father Sorin, the founder of Notre Dame, was so awed by the beauty and divinity of the original site, that he vowed to recreate it in some form on campus. It contains a stone from the original site in France, and it is one of the most sacred places on campus. Every evening, no matter how cold or wet it may be, the Rosary is prayed, and there is rarely a moment when there is not someone kneeling before the statue of the Virgin Mary, lighting a votive candle, and saying a prayer. Which brings us to the second topic to cover, the act of lighting candles in worship. I believe some other faiths do use candles as symbolic offerings during worship and prayer, but it is most widely known as a Roman Catholic tradition. While I am not Catholic, as best I can understand it, the lighting of a candle during prayer is a symbolic offering of devotion when you pray for someone or something. Generally, you light a candle for someone specific, and that flame is representative of your prayer. This is a very special and holy act that is quite sacred, and it is typically only used during difficult or trying times, like the night Katrina made landfall.

It was a dark, balmy August night as my dorm brothers and I made the quarter mile trek over to the Grotto. I do not think anyone said a word during the entire walk. There was nothing to be said anyway, as we all knew how each other was feeling, and there were no words that could make things better. When we arrived at our destination, some guys lit candles, others were kneeling with their rosary beads gripped tightly in their devoted hands, and a few, like myself, simply took a seat before the Virgin Mary, but we were all doing the same thing in our own way. We were all praying, not just for our own family’s safety, but for the safety our new brothers‘ families as well. This moment of destruction and terror had forged between us a bond that we would carry with us the rest of our lives. We now belonged to two families, our biological family and our Notre Dame family. Sharing in each other’s pain and suffering that night brought us together, and it did not matter what our backgrounds were, because we were all in the same family. Our group slowly dissipated as guys slowly trickled back to the dorm, but I will never forget how I felt walking back to my room that night. In just the couple hours I was out that evening, I had gone from a home sick, culture shocked fish out of water to a confident man with over 200 new brothers that I could count on. After that night I never felt like I did not belong or wonder if I was fitting in around the dorm, because I knew that we were all family.

Scott Drotar My Other Family
My second family is so precious to me that I have the Notre Dame logo and my graduation year tattooed on my chest.

I am not trying to compare my relationships with my parents and siblings to my relationships with my dorm brothers, as that is comparing apples and oranges, but this connection I formed that night in the Grotto is something special. It showed me the strength of banding together in a common goal, and how by coming together in your shared pain you can alleviate your suffering. Most of all though, this story teaches you the power of community and brotherhood. In that one evening, we created a union between us that to this day is extremely strong and has a major impact on our lives. If you have the courage to open up and let yourself feel with others, empathize with them, and support them without judgment, you can harness the true power within your hearts and minds. Whether you call it resilience, the might of the human spirit, or something else entirely, you will know it when you feel it, and its impact will last a lifetime. The force of this banding together will pleasantly envelope you and help you overcome whatever you are going through together. Sharing this powerful, emotionally charged experience will create a connection between you that will never weaken. It is a bond forged in the fires of suffering and despair, and like iron hammered on a hot anvil, it is unbreakable. It is a relationship you can only describe as family, and just like your original family, you will be much happier having these amazing connections in your life.

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A Life Of Service

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Late last Thursday night, the Notre Dame community, and honestly the world as a whole, had to say goodbye to a very special and influential man, Father Theodore Hesburgh. Before I delve into who this man was and discuss what he accomplished throughout his amazing life, I want to share with you my initial, emotional reaction at hearing about his passing. While some of you may have already read it, here is the Facebook post I wrote immediately after I learned of his death, as I was trying to cope with this unexpected and depressing news.

“Today we mourn the loss of a great man and patriarch of the entire Notre Dame family. He served for 35 years as the university’s president, but his impact on the Irish community goes far beyond his time in office. From his work on civil rights that earned him the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1964 to running with the Olympic torch that now resides in his private office atop the library named in his honor, “Father Ted” was always working to make “our lady’s university” a better place for its students. His work and dedication has played such a large part in the lives of every graduate of the university, that his impact can be felt in all of the good that Notre Dame alumni have done throughout the world. Whether you were lucky enough to actually meet him or merely talked of him in rumors about how to sneak into his “penthouse” via his secret elevator, every student who was lucky enough to study under the Golden Dome had an enormous amount of respect for this man and his service. He will be missed by all of ND Nation, but he will never be forgotten, as his works and wisdom will forever be reminders of what it means to lead a fulfilling life in service of others. As we mourn this great loss and celebrate his incredible life, it is important to remember that we, the University of Notre Dame graduates that he dedicated his lifetime to serving, are his legacy. It is now our privilege as brothers and sisters of the Notre Dame community to live our lives the way he taught us, with overflowing kindness, unending compassion, and an insatiable curiosity.”

As you can tell from my words, even though I never got the privilege of meeting him personally, Father Hesburgh had an enormous impact on me. In recognition of this amazing man, I would like to share with you a bit about who he was, and more importantly, how he was able to make such a large influence on the lives of others.

Scott Drotar Father Hesburgh
Father Hesburgh served his country by working on appointments for six different presidential administrations.

Theodore Martin Hesburgh was born in 1917 as one of five children, and in his 97 years he achieved some truly astonishing things. He took his vows and was ordained as a priest with the Holy Cross Congregation in 1943, served as the president of the University of Notre Dame for 35 years from 1952 to 1987, and made a major impact on numerous political and theological issues for over 50 years. He had a Guinness world record of over 150 honorary degrees, was appointed to over a dozen White House positions under six different presidents, and even unofficially broke the speed record of 2,193 miles per hour at the age of 62. He held many high ranking positions and was awarded countless, prestigious awards including the Presidential Medal of Freedom and serving as the chairman of the board for the Rockefeller Foundation. Even with everything that he accomplished throughout his life and all of the accolades he was given though, those of us who are lucky enough to call ourselves sons and daughters of our lady’s university will remember him for a much different reason. We will remember this incredible individual, not for what he achieved throughout his life, but for the way he achieved it.

Father Hesburgh lived his entire life in the service of others. Whether it was serving his students on campus, serving his country by working with the president on civil rights issues, or serving the worldwide, Catholic community by bringing more progressive thinking to the Church, he was always trying to make the world a better place for everyone else. What is even more impressive though, is that he did all of these amazing things, not because he wanted prestige, fame, or money, but because it was the right thing to do. Even when he knew his decisions or actions would not be in agreement with major political or religious groups, like his disagreement with President Nixon over the use of federal troops to limit campus anti-war protests or when he went against the Catholic Church by endorsing the search for truth over religious indoctrination in 1967, he would still do what he believed was best for others. He made such a huge impact on the world simply by living his life with a generous, kind heart, a ravenously curious mind, and the unquestioning belief in doing what was right. This is the most important gift he gave those of us who were fortunate enough to be touched by his work. He modeled how to lead a fulfilling, successful, and meaningful life for thousands of Notre Dame graduates, and by showing us how to live in service to the world, he gave us the ability to change it. It is these teachings, and the work done by Notre Dame alumni because of them, that will be his lasting legacy.

Scott Drotar Father Ted
“Father Ted,” as Notre Dame students call him, served as the university’s longest tenured president for 35 years.

“Father Ted” probably had a greater impact on my life than any other person that I have never met in person. His never-ending devotion to living life the right way and in the service of others is in large part the example I try to follow as I pursue my mission of helping people lead happier lives. In addition, his lifelong pursuit of truth and passion for learning was a major influence in my own insatiable thirst for knowledge. The most important lesson I took from Father Hesburgh however, was how crucial it is to have the courage to do what you know is right, even when you know that the people around you will disagree with your choice. You have to have the strength and conviction to stand up for what you believe in, in order to make a difference in the world and improve the lives of others. This is something that he modeled with perfection for half a century, and it is the standard I am trying to live up to in my own journey. I, like so many other loyal sons and daughters of Notre Dame, will always remember Father Hesburgh, and he will forever be an influential part of our lives. We now have the privilege of continuing his work by making our own mark on the world using the lessons he taught us, and in doing so ensuring that his legacy and impact on the world will never be forgotten.

Scott Drotar A Life Of Service
Father Hesburgh lived his entire life in the service of others, which is something we should all strive to achieve.

“My basic principle is that you don’t make decisions because they are easy; you don’t make them because they are cheap; you don’t make them because they’re popular; you make them because they’re right.”
–Theodore Hesburgh

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Risk And Reward

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You have read in earlier posts about how complicated the nurse and client relationship can be in home care. I even have an entire Roll Models talk about these complex connections, and the key to understanding them to build strong relationships in the home care setting. Even though I have had nurses with me nearly non-stop for over a decade, and speak as an expert on these relationships, that does not mean that I have everything figured out or do not struggle at times with managing my relationships with my caregivers though. One of the most difficult parts of maintaining these bonds is being able to tell where the professional relationship ends and the personal relationship begins with each nurse. Due to the fact that my nurses are paid to care for me and be a part of my life, it is never easy to gauge how much of the relationship is professional and how much is personal, especially since it is different with each and every caregiver. The idea that plagues me to this day is determining whether my nurses would still want to maintain our friendship, even if they were no longer my nurse. Whenever I get close to one of my nurses I always wonder about this idea, and it is usually only when our professional relationship ends, and it is too late to do anything to protect myself emotionally, that I get an answer. The other day however, due to a rather random set of circumstances, I was able to get the answer to this question with one of my current caregivers. Getting this information while our relationship is still strong and healthy not only gave me a reassuring and comforting feeling, but it also gave me some powerful insights into the nature of relationships in general.

Scott Drotar Risk And Reward
My relationships with my nurses are very complex due to being a combination of our working and personal connections.

One night last week, there was a bad snow and ice storm that tore through our area beginning around sundown and continued until the wee hours of the next morning. The nurse who was with me that evening was one of my most veteran caregivers, and he and I had gotten pretty close in our more than two years of working together. He had worked a double that day with me (a 16 hour shift), and he was supposed to leave at midnight to make his usual 45 minute drive home, right in the middle of this winter storm. Not only that, but he was also scheduled to return at 8:00am the following day to work another 12 hours with me, which meant making another treacherous drive in the dark on icy roads. At around 10:00pm, we were jokingly discussing how he would not be able to make it in to work the following morning due to the weather and how he would love getting to sleep in, when his wife sent him a text about how bad the roads were getting. After texting back and forth with her for a few minutes, he looked at me and asked if he could stay in my second bedroom on my air mattress, so that he would not have to drive home just to turn around and drive right back a few hours later. Of course I said yes, as I tell all of my nurses every Winter that they are always welcome to crash at my place anytime the weather is nasty, but typically I have to talk them into not risking their lives on the roads. This was the first time that I had had one of my nurses actually ask to take advantage of my offer, and it had a surprisingly large effect on me emotionally. The true value of these feelings however, were the insights they brought with them that gave me a much better understanding of the nature of all close relationships.

I had known for a long time how I felt about my relationship with this nurse, but once you have gotten your feelings hurt a few times by nurses ceasing all contact with you when they are no longer your caregiver, you learn not to assume too much. I knew that just because I saw our connection as more of a personal friendship than a professional, nursing relationship, that did not necessarily mean that he felt the same way. Through his request to sleep in my spare room, which is something only a close friend would do, he showed me how he saw our bond. I now knew that I was not merely Mr. Drotar, his home care patient through CareStaf, but something much more. I was Scott, his friend. This information made me feel so good, as it reassured and validated the nature of our relationship, while also strengthening our connection. Additionally, having this knowledge made me feel secure enough in our friendship that I now have the courage to strengthen our bond and grow even closer. It was as I was thinking about this idea and how we will now be able to improve our bond, that I had a sudden stroke of insight into the nature of friendships.

Scott Drotar Icy Roads
Who would have thought that some icy roads would teach me such an important lesson about relationships?

After a couple days had passed, and all of these comforting notions and warm feelings had been given plenty of time to bounce around my brain, I had a slightly unsettling thought. I realized that even though I now had a solid idea as to how he viewed our relationship, I had no way of knowing if he wanted to develop our friendship further. Just because I wanted to strengthen the bond between us, that did not mean he wanted to as well. Maybe he was happy with our friendship and did not want to improve our connection further. As these somewhat troubling ideas raced through my mind, I realized that I was in the same situation as I had been before all of this happened. Sure he and I were closer than before, and I had a better understanding of how he saw our relationship, but I was still in a situation where I did not know whether I should put more time and energy into our friendship or not. It was at this point that I realized something about relationships. I learned that you will never really know how the other person feels in an objective sense, the way you know that grass is green, and you are not supposed to. You just “know” down in your gut how they feel about you, and you have to trust that you are right. Even though it is this level of trust and faith in the other person that makes relationships so difficult at times, it is also what makes them so exciting and rewarding. Sure, by putting so much of yourself into a relationship you run the risk of getting hurt emotionally, but having the strength and courage to throw yourself into the unknown is the only way to get all of the rewards that come from strong, healthy relationships. In order to get the incredible benefits and gifts that only a close friendship can bring, you have to be brave enough to open up to being hurt. No risk, no reward.

I never would have thought that a Winter storm and a worried wife would have given me such an incredible insight into one of my close friendships. I certainly would never have expected to learn such an important lesson about the nature of relationships in general, but wisdom comes in many forms and often when you least expect it. I am obviously thankful that I now feel closer to my nurse, and I am even more grateful that I now have a better understanding of all of my friendships. It is important to remember that you are not supposed to definitively know how the other person feels before investing in a relationship, as it is this unknown component of these connections with others that makes them so great. Whether it is your bond with your spouse, your child, or even a friend, you have to be willing to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt, if you want to enjoy all of the amazing and wonderful gifts that close relationships offer. The next time you find yourself being too timid or scared to take the next step in strengthening your relationship with someone, remember that without risk, there can be no reward. Take a chance and step into the unknown, and you will be amazed at how often your fears were unfounded. Not only that, but you will also be amazed at how much happier your life has become.

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